Estic encostipat.
Ja fa uns dies que ho noto. Masses nits dormint amb el cul a l’aire havien de passar factura en algun moment o altre. Em llevo amb el nas tapat, m'agafen estornuderes de cinc minuts seguits, vaig amb el moquillo a tot arreu. En fi, el que es diu un encostipat.
Però alguna cosa ha canviat.
Ara sóc una bomba humana. Una pandèmia que camina. La Solució Final en pantalons curts.
Entro al tren i la gent em mira estranyada. Aparten els diaris de la seva cara i m’observen, amb una cara entre la sospita i el desconcert. Alguna cosa falla, però no estan segurs del què.
I aleshores arriba.
Comença poc a poc. Els ulls se’m humitegen, la boca mig s’obre, la cara es contrau. Sé el que va a passar, i ells, massa tard, també.
L’esternut. Els meus agents de la pesta microscòpics volen en totes direccions. Els quatre-cents-milions de cavalls de Apocalipsi s’escampen arreu.
Alguns s’aparten per instint. Altres aixequen els diaris, intentant protegir-se amb les noticies de morts, segrestats i futbolistes. Massa tard.
Tothom ho sap sense dir res. Els meus virus de la destrucció floten en l’ambient. Alguns passatgers, els més allunyats, els que van amb auriculars, no se’n adonen i segueixen com si res. Els del meu voltant, en canvi, comencen les maniobres evasives.
Intenten fer-ho amb calma, com els documentals de la evacuació en cas de bomba atòmica. La senyora del meu costat em mira completament horroritzada, els ulls oberts i la boca fent una mitja ganyota de terror en estat pur. El pànic la deixa glaçada, incapaç de protegir-se de La Mort Que Arriba Per l’Aire. De cop, un altre passatger li dona un cop amb una bossa i s’aixeca de la cadira com un autòmat, incapaç de processar el que li està passant.
Els de la fila de davant, en canvi, fa estona que actuen. S’han aixecat del seient lentament, mirant-me als ulls sense apartar la vista, mantenint a ratlla els meus virus. Ningú aparta la mirada. Reculen d’esquenes, xocant amb seients, baranes i altres passatgers. Amb la mà, palpen a cegues el botó d’obertura. L’horror no els deixa recordar l’existència del fre d’emergència abans d’arribar a l’estació.
I es una sort que estiguem tant a prop de la parada, perquè ja noto el pessigolleig que prepara una altra càrrega de l’Esquadró Pandèmic, els meus SS microscòpics. Em porto la mà al nas, com intentant contenir l’inevitable, però això encara és pitjor. Tothom se’n adona i abandonen la seva calma tensa.
Un home comença a pitjar el boto tant fort que temo que es trenqui. Un altre mira a banda i banda, com si busqués un agent de policia disposat a tirotejar-me. La majoria es reparteixen entre els que em miren amb pavor i els que miren per la finestra, comptant els microsegons que falten per obrir les portes.
Jo faig el que puc, de veritat. Em concentro en aturar la carrera dels meus àngels de l' infern. Vull deixar-los rebrostant prou temps com per evitar que em linxin sense pietat. Però ho noto. Ho noto. Les pessigolles es fan insuportables. Els ulls regalimen llàgrimes mortíferes. Tot el meu cos es contrau, es sacseja com en una dança que invoqués algun cruel deu africà. No puc més. Ho intento, però no puc més…
El tren arriba. Les portes s’obren. La multitud s’abraona cap a l’andana. Els joves trepitgen les velles. Els més grassos esclafen els menys corpulents. Masses de greix, pell suada, ossos, mans, ungles. Tot serveix per escapar.
I jo exploto.
L'esternut s’escampa, rebotant en les partes del comboi buit, enganxant-se en els vidres, en els seients, en els agafadors. Infinits microbis infectats s’enganxen pertot. Tot ho contaminen, tot ho marquen amb la seva firma pútrida.
I ningú ho sap. Cap testimoni del meu atac bioterrorista. Puc seguir esternudant un cop i un altre, puc seguir alliberant la meva mucositat assassina tantes vegades com em plagui i ningú ho sabrà. En la següent estació, desenes de pares, mares, ancians i nadons, s’agafaran, es refregaran per els meus bacteris, els absorbiran per la boca, per les cavitats nassals, per la pell. Els infectarà per dins i cap d’ells ho sabrà fins que sigui massa tard.
Sóc una Persona de Destrucció Massiva. Atureu-me si podeu.
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És vostè una autèntica arma biològica amb potes. Si en saddam encara fos viu el fitxaria com a coronel de les forces armades. Ha provat de disparar esternuts als seus peus i fer-los ballar com els germans dalton?
Podria estornudar dins pots de vidre i enviar-los a La Razón i l'ABC. Portada assegurada!
Quan tardarem a veure per tot arreu del TMB gent amb mascaretes, al més pur estil japonès? Després de "la fase mascaretes" ja venen els zombies, oi? Ja en tinc ganes...
Confirmat: la gent vol que s'acabi el món.
I de regal, una historia veritable: Fa tres anys, un laboratori volia treure al mercat un gel per desinfectar les mans.
Es va preguntar a la gent que en pensava i en general no va agradar; quina necessitat hi ha de desinfectar-s tot el dia? Ni que fóssim com els americans, que són uns maniàtics!
Així que el projecte es va abandonar, i avui hi ha un o dos executius de marketing que s'estan tallant les venes.
jejejeje, que bonic que és veure la paranoia yankee en primera persona. Com bé diu n'Aleix aquí els gels desinfectants van que volen, i si estornudes al carrer sense tapar-te la boca amb alguna cosa que puguis llençar en una paperera (la sogra no val) et miren amb cara de psicòpata.
No n'hi ha per tant. Quan dues persones es dónen la mà es passen una quantitat industrial de merda biològica molt més gran que no pas en un estornut o un petó. I la veritat, els insalubres vagons de RENFE són des de fa moltíssims anys un dels reservoris més grans de malalties infeccioses de tot l'Hemisferi Sud, el nostre. I, ojo al dato, en costant renovació gràcies a la línia Blanes-Maçanet i els seus alegres turistes. Us ho podeu imaginar? una petita mostra d'aire d'un d'aquests vagons en hora punta seria suficient per trobar virus de sida de Berlin, grips angleses, hemeorroides venèries franceses o tuberculosis de la Mina. Mireu-ho pel cantó bo, els que fem servir aquesta línia estem en constant procés d'immunització. Serem els únics supervivents després d'un holocaust, això segur. Ara bé, aleshores haurem de començar una nova humanitat creuant-nos entre nosaltres. Si aquell dia el tren va plè de sueques, tan de bo vagin totes ben lubricades...però si és el que porta les refugiadas di Romania...la humanitat està perduda!
Només espero que aquell dia no hi hagi l'equip d'acordionistes al complert!
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